Day 6 | LN | Girl's Night Out | Masty's Tavern [Expecting]

[Mysti]

Felisha, perhaps to her credit, was able to smirk at Illiam'iira's offer to break things. It would have been a tempting offer earlier, when everything was still new and raw. She had thought about flinging the mug across the room. But she didn't want to create
a scene and end up getting arrested by her own people.

She did, however, accept one invitation -- as she leaned in to embrace Illiam'iira.

Felisha had no prospects at all -- neither for friendships or relationships. She probably couldn't stay in Sigil either because as she sat alone every night perhaps getting sloshed on cheap alcohol right here at Masty's -- she would know that Cyprian would be with Akh perhaps just a few houses down. Even though Sigil was large -- the fact that both Cyprian and Akh had been at Illiam'iira's meeting and at that New Sensation building -- the Sensorium or whatever it was called -- proved to her that the odds of running into them. Again and again. Were high. And she didn't want that. At all. She would almost certainly have to leave.

As she had said before -- this meant something, this constant reunification with Cyprian. He had chosen to ignore it. Which meant that he was not only screwing up his own destiny. It was ruining hers, as well. Felisha had never been religious -- or even very spiritual. But she did believe that true ghosts were the spirits of those whose destinies were never fulfilled. Especially when their desinties were so obviously intertwined -- and it quite often gave both of them a rather swift kick in the nether regions. But no. Akh was just oh ... so ... damn special. Obviously more special than she ever was. Ever ... was. Because even love-at-first-sight doesn't work that fast ... dear Cyprian. What the hell .... is going on? Felisha even wondered if Akh wasn't using some kind of mind magic on Cyprian ... charming him or something. But that was a fleeting hope. And there was no evidence to support it other than the blazing speed in which Cyprian fell for her.

Worse still -- Illiam'iira would no doubt be going home soon. Felisha didn't want to keep her up all night babying her. It meant she would have to return to her dreary, colorless life with ... nothing whatever to look forward to. Not even Cyprian -- and it had been her faith in him that had kept her going for so many years. She couldn't ask Illiam'iira if they would be friends or stay friends. No one could possibly know that -- there were too many variables.

What Felisha did know, however, was historical precedent. Making friends has never been easy. Keeping them ... well, that was nigh impossible. Given what just happened with Cyprian -- she was convinced now more than ever that there was something incredibly wrong with her. How could there not be? How could ...

She tried to block her own thoughts -- because if she kept thinking about Cyprian, she was going to drive herself absolutely crazy. Or maybe she already was.

All she knew for certain was that, with faith in Cyprian gone forever -- and it was forever. Because even if Cyprian came back to her now, she knew it would only be because things between he and Akh hadn't worked out. And she wasn't going to play "sloppy seconds" with him or anyone else. And since he was gone forever ... there was no Plan B. All she saw ahead was darkness -- interminable loneliness -- the worst kind of loneliness there is: being alone in a crowd.

"I'm ... going to volunteer to fight in the Blood War. Probably the day after tomorrow," Felisha's voice was still whispery and soft, but the purr that had been so prevalent in her speech before was ... simply gone. "I know I probably won't last long out there. But I would rather die on the battlefield than many years from now, alone in my bed, an old and creepy spinster. You know ... that crazy old woman that all the kids dare each other to approach."

She then gave Illiam'iira a sidelong glance, realizing for the very first time that she had dropped a lot of heavy emotions onto a complete stranger. Granted, she seemed more than willing to listen -- to be there for her. But she had to wonder why. No one else had ever been.

"Can I ask you a question? Why ... have you been this ... good to me? Like you said, we hadn't even been introduced and yet here you are. What did you see in me, at that meeting, that made you want to get together now?"

[Illiam'iira]

"I'm ... going to volunteer to fight in the Blood War. Probably the day after tomorrow,"

"I'd really! Rather! You didn't!" Her words are punctuated by Illi placing her hands on Felisha's shoulders to stare into her eyes with a kind of concern that seems both fierce and soft, before gently shaking her. "You have a whole life left to live! You haven't met every person who will ever love you yet! And no offense to Cyprian, he's not worth you throwing your life away! Even if it feels like it right now, that's just right now, miss Felisha."

"Can I ask you a question? Why ... have you been this ... good to me? Like you said, we hadn't even been introduced and yet here you are. What did you see in me, at that meeting, that made you want to get together now?"

"Why wouldn't I?" She makes a bit of a confused face -- like a fish being asked about water. "I've been through shitty breakups before. And I've dated bards like Cyprian. So seeing your pain, I remember mine, and I remember how lonely it felt, being so miserable and nobody understanding, or everyone talking down to me about it, or just, the feeling of rejection, of not being good enough... so why wouldn't I? I don't want you to suffer. Do I need to know you to want that for you?"

[Mysti]

"I'd really! Rather! You didn't!"

Felisha stared into Illiam'iira's eyes for a few moments -- there was a fiery intensity there in that gaze. It was not hostile or angry. It was just who she was -- or perhaps, who she had been -- before this happened. Fiery, fiesty, bold, audacious -- Illiam'iira could no doubt sense some of those qualities, for good or ill, still lingering around the edges of her psyche.

"I don't ... know ... Illiam'iira. It's not what I wanted for myself. I'm not suicidal -- I don't have a death wish. I'm not ready to leave this life just yet. But ... but ..." her voice lost a good deal of its strength at this point. It looked as if she were going to say something further, to add some kind of addendum to her sentence. Instead, she ended with repeating those ubiquitous words: "I don't know."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because most people wouldn't. And don't." Felisha made a sweeping gesture indicating all of the patrons going about their business at Masty's Tavern. "After all ... did you see anyone else here attending me when you arrived? Well ... there you have it. Proof positive."

Her tone softened at this point. "I am appreciative, though ... that you would be this kind to me, a total stranger." She clasped one of Illiam'iira's hands between both of her own in an amicable way. "It's just ... it's already late. Sooner or later you will have to leave and return to the issues in your own life -- which is both to be expected and proper. Once I'm alone again -- it will be as if you had never been here at all."

Felisha gave her head a little shake. "No ... that's not ... quite it. Not quite what I mean. It's been ... how long? Decades, I think, since I've talked to anyone on a personal level. Everything was always business. Capture this person. Kill that person. Infiltrate this building and steal documents or place some magical item in some noble's bedroom." The more she talked, the more aristocratic her speech patterns became, the result being a strange mixture of intellectual eloquence and street brashness. "I have worked for the Harmonium for many years now solving their, shall we say, more illicit problems. Once the job was complete -- nary did I ever see the client again. Or -- if we happened upon each other by random chance, we would feign ignorance of each other's existence."

She looked down at Illiam'iira's hand between hers and fell silent to think -- before eventually saying what was probably already obvious to Illiam'iira. "I've not had the good fortune to acquire any -- friendships. Acquaintences, perhaps, but nothing more. Cyprian ... he was but one element in the overall equation. An important one, to be certain, but only one. I was dying inside even before he arrived in Sigil. I would wish it if we could --" she practically gulped with uncertainty, treading on unfamiliar ground, "if we could stay friends, you and I. But I do not wish to be a stray cat that, once fed, will forever haunt your steps. I will not be someone who would be a nuisance to you -- which is even assuming I do not go off to fight in spite of it all." She scowled before saying, "I apologize for prattling on so. I must look ridiculous as seen through your own eyes. I am as far afield of my own element as a baby on a battlefield."

There was another pause before, "Illiam'iira -- I know we have just met but, may I ask you a question of a personal nature?"

Felisha seemed genuinely curious, but it would be obvious to Illiam'iira that she was running on adrenaline and nervous energy at this point -- hence her somewhat rambling speech. It would be equally obvious that just sitting and talking was something she almost never did -- and she may not be very good at it anymore.

[Illiam'iira]

"I don't ... know ... Illiam'iira. It's not what I wanted for myself. I'm not suicidal -- I don't have a death wish. I'm not ready to leave this life just yet. But ... but ..." her voice lost a good deal of its strength at this point. It looked as if she were going to say something further, to add some kind of addendum to her sentence. Instead, she ended with repeating those ubiquitous words: "I don't know."

"Then don't do it. For me. I know that's a really selfish thing to ask of you right now, but I wanna be selfish on your behalf." Illia pleads. "Wait until you've got something, please? You're still freshly wounded, let your heart stop bleeding, at least, and see if there's not some little joy you can find to remind you there's more happiness in the world waiting for you still."

"Because most people wouldn't. And don't." Felisha made a sweeping gesture indicating all of the patrons going about their business at Masty's Tavern. "After all ... did you see anyone else here attending me when you arrived? Well ... there you have it. Proof positive."

"...that's fair," She answers meekly, because it is. "I guess -- I mean -- I know me. I know how I was raised, and what matters to me, and -- well." Illia considers her words carefully. "I act how I want the world to be. I'm trying to create the world I wish we all shared in, not the one we've actually got. I can't actually really do much, but I can do something, so why not?"

Her tone softened at this point. "I am appreciative, though ... that you would be this kind to me, a total stranger." She clasped one of Illiam'iira's hands between both of her own in an amicable way. "It's just ... it's already late. Sooner or later you will have to leave and return to the issues in your own life -- which is both to be expected and proper. Once I'm alone again -- it will be as if you had never been here at all."

"Hey, you today, me tomorrow." Illi smiles. "We got plenty of time to talk, and if there's not enough tonight, we have tomorrow. Though -- if parting would hurt you more, if we were friends, I'd understand. I don't wanna make you feel like you've got that hanging over your head. Don't, uh, don't let me talk you into this if it'd be worse for you..."

Felisha gave her head a little shake. "No ... that's not ... quite it. Not quite what I mean. It's been ... how long? Decades, I think, since I've talked to anyone on a personal level. Everything was always business. Capture this person. Kill that person. Infiltrate this building and steal documents or place some magical item in some noble's bedroom." The more she talked, the more aristocratic her speech patterns became, the result being a strange mixture of intellectual eloquence and street brashness. "I have worked for the Harmonium for many years now solving their, shall we say, more illicit problems. Once the job was complete -- nary did I ever see the client again. Or -- if we happened upon each other by random chance, we would feign ignorance of each other's existence."

Illi can't hide the concern behind her eyes. Oh. Oh that hurts. "That sounds like a really, really lonely life, miss Felicia. I -- I think I understand what you've been going through a little better..."

She looked down at Illiam'iira's hand between hers and fell silent to think -- before eventually saying what was probably already obvious to Illiam'iira. "I've not had the good fortune to acquire any -- friendships. Acquaintences, perhaps, but nothing more. Cyprian ... he was but one element in the overall equation. An important one, to be certain, but only one. I was dying inside even before he arrived in Sigil. I would wish it if we could --" she practically gulped with uncertainty, treading on unfamiliar ground, "if we could stay friends, you and I. But I do not wish to be a stray cat that, once fed, will forever haunt your steps. I will not be someone who would be a nuisance to you -- which is even assuming I do not go off to fight in spite of it all." She scowled before saying, "I apologize for prattling on so. I must look ridiculous as seen through your own eyes. I am as far afield of my own element as a baby on a battlefield."

"You know, you don't have to apologize for having a bad night," Gently she leans forward. "I caught you during one of the worst days of your life. I -- I don't really think you're ridiculous. You're just in pain. It sounds like you've been in pain for awhile, and Cyprian just... broke the dam on all that hurt. When you don't have many close friends, losing one can feel like, like a death itself... and that's just for friends. You love him. You let your guard down because that's the only way you can really get close to someone, but, well... it also means you're vulnerable, and you get hurt sometimes. And you got hurt. That isn't any reflection on your worth as a person -- y'know? You just got shitty circumstances, Missy."

Her voice is warm as she tries to get back on the right path. "Like I said, you today, me tomorrow. People have to take care of each other -- that's what I believe, anyway. So yeah. We can hang out as much as you like, s'long as you don't mind me being a little weird."

There was another pause before, "Illiam'iira -- I know we have just met but, may I ask you a question of a personal nature?"

"Well, yeah, of course. Worst I can say is that's too personal to share, right?"