A Heart to Heart [Day 4, Late Evening, Expecting]

[Ikkit the Bastard]

Her first instinct is to apologize, but for what? Instead she just frowns. "I, uh, aww beans..." Ain't the first time someone's told her that. Not in the same words but... it's not the first time. "I don't really know how to, not, try so hard," She finally gets out.

His mouth twitched into a toothy grin.

"Y'can start by admitting it. How fucking furious you are so much of the time."

[Illiam'iira]

"Y'can start by admitting it. How fucking furious you are so much of the time."

She balks again.

"...am I hiding it that badly..?" Illi murmurs.

[Ikkit the Bastard]

She balks again.

"...am I hiding it that badly..?" Illi murmurs.

"Oh, nah. Sure most berks miss it entirely. But y'always know your own, dontcha?"

[Illiam'iira]

"Oh, nah. Sure most berks miss it entirely. But y'always know your own, dontcha?"

"...yeah." Yeah, you do.

Illi moves to lean against a wall.

"I don't like getting mad. Makes me feel like shit, and, if I show it, well..." You know your own.

[Ikkit the Bastard]

"I don't like getting mad. Makes me feel like shit, and, if I show it, well..." You know your own.

"Bottlin' it up's worse."

He half-snarled.

"Let's berks think they c'n go on walkin' all over you. Just makes y'madder."

[Illiam'iira]

"Let's berks think they c'n go on walkin' all over you. Just makes y'madder."

"Yeah." Her body begins to tense up. "Yeah, I know. Just. When I get mad, people... they treat it like a joke or... ugh." Colors start to swirl along her skin as the sick feeling blossoms in her belly as memories of fights surface. "I hurt people. Or I get hurt. Or -- fuck, I'm just -- I don't like it!" Black bands itself across her skin, shifting, drawing her in.

The world doesn't have to be this way.

As it rears its ugly head the great source of her anger sets her teeth on edge. Makes her body throb. The light and the dark snaking its way from her hands all the way up to her neck. She's small and weak and pathetic and can't change the world. Blinking back tears, Illi makes herself breathe, wiping her eyes before pulling out a ribbon from her pocket. "I fucking hate getting mad. And it's, it's like, it's the biggest thing I feel, sometimes. I know I shouldn't -- I know I should stand up for myself -- but it never fuckin' goes right, it always makes things worse, and I hate it!"

[Ikkit the Bastard]

"When I get mad, people... they treat it like a joke or... ugh." Colors start to swirl along her skin as the sick feeling blossoms in her belly as memories of fights surface. "I hurt people. Or I get hurt. Or -- fuck, I'm just -- I don't like it!"

"Worse things than' hurtin' berks. Hurt 'em an' they might learn somethin'."

He sighed, thinking of the annoying aasimar he'd bashed in the head with an empty flagon earlier in the week and the stupid elf he'd been entirely too generous with.

"Most don't. Won't. But when I get hurt, I always learn somethin'. I'm bettin' you do too."

[Illiam'iira]

"Most don't. Won't. But when I get hurt, I always learn somethin'. I'm bettin' you do too."

She reads the ribbon in her hands and it calms her. Her skin returns to its normal hue. "Yeah. Maybe not always the right lessons," Illi answers softly as she returns the ribbon to her pocket. "Honestly... I do need to get mad more. I need to. I know that. There's times when I need to be mad. Real mad. For myself n others, y'know?"

"But I just can't get over it." Breathing in, she looks to Ikkit, wiping her eyes again as she does. "When I, uh, when I was a kid, like, real little... I died. Like, died-died. I'm real lucky half my family are clerics, but... I dunno... it did somethin' to me. I'm scared of hurting someone like, like how I was hurt, how Quev was hurt, how my little sisters were hurt..." She'd even tried writing poetry to get that out; didn't work. The bodies of all our sisters piled high in reflection. Illi shakes herself to get past the stupid memories that won't stop haunting her. "I know it's not the same. And I probably won't ever do that. But I could hurt someone real bad, in a way I can't take back. Wouldn't be hard." And even when someone deserves it, it hurts. Like hurting herself.

[Ikkit the Bastard]

"I know it's not the same. And I probably won't ever do that. But I could hurt someone real bad, in a way I can't take back. Wouldn't be hard." And even when someone deserves it, it hurts. Like hurting herself.

"Put a few sods in the Dead-Book myself over the years."

He looked like he wanted to shrug, but refrained from doing so.

"I don't lose sleep over it. They made their choices. World was perfect, maybe wouldn't be so, but it ain't perfect and ain't ever gonna be. So go on doin' what y'can to make it better, but... take a breather now and then, cutter. An' that 'cludes bitin' or thumpin' a few berks as mistake your good nature for an invite. Longer y'bottle it up, worse it's gonna be when it gets out."

[Illiam'iira]

"I don't lose sleep over it. They made their choices. World was perfect, maybe wouldn't be so, but it ain't perfect and ain't ever gonna be. So go on doin' what y'can to make it better, but... take a breather now and then, cutter. An' that 'cludes bitin' or thumpin' a few berks as mistake your good nature for an invite. Longer y'bottle it up, worse it's gonna be when it gets out."

"...yeah..." He's not wrong. Just. Easier said than done. There's some part of herself that's just locked so damn tight, and she's never ... no. That's not right. She knows the key, it's the using of it that's hard. C'mon, world healer, get angry -- the kind of angry that's love's better half.

She'll try. Ikkit makes her feel like she can try and maybe that's the first step. It's really, really good they're friends.

"...how'd you know I bite?" Illi chomps at the air a bit for good measure. Lil tiny fangs, but fangs nonetheless. She's pretty sure Quev's got a few scars from back when they were babies.